Cyril Wiggle
Don't say you haven't been warned


WARNING - DO NOT READ if you are easily offended, under 18 or lacking a sense of humour!

(If you're all three, then I suggest you see someone about it soon)


I believe I am the only person ever to have been swallowed accidentally by a basking shark and to have a non-existent book on sale by Amazon. Here is my two penn'orth. -

There's more from me here to read and download. If you're sure...
And more about me here, but don't say I didn't tell you.

THE STARS!
26 September 2011

My wish came true. They switched off the street lights last Thursday. Now we need a man to come from the council and dig them up so no one can ever light them again. Unfortunately, the nights have been cloudy since. I should have wished for clear skies as well.

What is it with these banks? Not only does my bank charge me if I use my overdraft facility - fair enough, within reason - but now it charges me to use it, whether accidentally or on purpose. Perhaps it's to pay for the cheque books they send me - I have four now, and only write about three cheques a year.

And what is it with all this wasted time on TV programmes, where they have interminable trailers to tell you what interesting things you're going to see, and then when the programme is under way they have to stop telling you something interesting in order to keep reminding you of what you've seen, and what's coming up, and then remind you at the end what you're going to see next week? Countryfile is one of the worst, where they think we all have the attention span of a cockroach. Mind you, I think I'm falling in love with Ellie Harrison.

Irritating beyond reason, too, is the background music. When said Ellie Harrison and Matt Baker demonstrated an old ball game they played Zadok the Priest. They play Zadok the Priest as often as they possibly can, along with Gregorian chants and the Ride of the Valkyries. It mystifies me how they make the connection. Stop with the music. Stop it.


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SOCIAL NETWORKING
6 September 2011

Can you buy a mate a beer on Twitter? No. Can you share your last fag with a friend on Facebook? No.

What I don't understand about social networking sites is not why they're popular - I can see that - but why someone would have the stupid idea in the first place. They are as useful as the government's petition website and as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit (thanks to Billy for that one). And if everyone's doing it, it must be stupid - it's called mass hysteria.

On the other hand, blogging is pretty stupid, too, isn't it? Who's going to read yours (or mine) - one blog among millions? All I can say about a blog is it passes the time between cups of tea. And I don't care if anyone reads this one. And I don't care how many sentences I start with 'And', either.


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NONEBRITY
3 September 2011

Who are these people you see stories about all down the side of the Mail Online?

I've hardly heard of any of them. And yet everyone else seems to know who they are. Am I watching the wrong TV programmes, or are they just famous for being famous or - worse still - pantomime? The things that are important in this life - mates, the countryside, food and drink, happiness - they don't get a mention in the news unless it's something about the latest scare, insult or perceived threat to our beautiful planet.

Perhaps if some of these so-called 'stars' stopped worrying about augmentation, fashion and just being celebs they could find something useful to do - like petitioning the council to switch off some of the stupid street lights that prevent me from seeing the real stars.


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